* The Fairytale of Pandagirl *

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

无助

为什么我爱的人，他不懂得珍惜？为什么越是在乎一个人，他就越不把你放在心里？我不懂，很心痛。在无助的时候，我只能抱着枕头偷偷地哭着，哭着，眼泪是唯一的见证。哭了很久很久，哭的很痛很痛，那止不住的泪如滔滔江水般，每一滴泪都是爱的宣言.是我傻吗？是我多情吗？

These few days, i feel like i'm living in my own illusion.. nothing seems real.. i feel as if i'm living in my own bubble.. i'm floating and floating.. living beautifully... BUT, i don't now when the bubble will "pop" and i'll be sent back to my world of pain, loneliness and tears..

he told me that "he'll never leave me" .. said that "he will take care of me forever" . can i trust his words? if i trust him and give myself to him again will i get hurt again?

不要玩我，我忍受不了被我爱的人如此的欺骗，我有多伤，你知道麽？

the zhong i've known in the past would never hurt me or make me sad.. the zhong i've known in the past will always be by my side.. but now... is he by my side??? or he'll be by someone else's side le...

Somehow, he seems so near yet so far away from me... i don't know what he's thinking... i don't know what he's doing.. i don't know what he wants... he seems to have so many secrets that i dont know.. things are no longer like the past when he's always so open to me...

" ReAlli mIss oUr pAsT so mUcH... zHoNg, haVe yOu foRgOttEn abOut ouR fOnd mEmOrIeS...??? "

*This fairy tale ended at 1:42 AM*

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

19.09.2004 = a nightmare

The early morning wind was blowing softly... the sky was getting darker and darker as i get nearer and nearer to my nightmare.. the sky was drizzling... "is it crying for me?" tears rolled down my cheeks while i was in the cab, on my way to face the most horrible and cruel nightmare awaiting for me..
i stepped out of the cab and drag myself into the hospital.. the place was so white... it looks so pure and sacred... but why does it feels so cold... why am i shivering so much... while i deal with the administration stuffs, the nurse who's helping me kept glancing over at me with that sympathetic look... it seems as if she's expecting me to cry any moment... i really feel like crying, my heart is hurting so much.. I DUN WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS!! but.. do i have a choice? i had to bear very hard... had to try so hard to stop myself from crying... i told myself i have to be brave... "weifang.. you gotta buck up.. you cant hide forever..it's time to face the truth.. face it... you're alone one... he's not going to "pop out" of nowhere and stop you from going through this operation... he's no longer the 'he' in the past who'll let you cry in his shoulder.. you gotta face the reality...." i really tried very hard, but i just cant control myself... i started to weep and cry in front of the nurse.. i cried on the nurse's shoulders while she kept comforting me... she kept telling me things will be alright but i know things will never be alright...
in the end i still gotta go through this ordeal.. i went to change into the robe that the nurse gave me.. wearing nothing inside the robe... i feel so cold.. my hands were so cold... i cant stop shivering... then i was wheeled into this operation room with lots of machines everywhere... the room feels so lifeless... i lied on the cold bed... and my legs where being tied up... i saw the nurse caming towards me to give me an injection... i saw the needle sank into my blood vessel.. "i knew everything was over"...
i woke up to find myself still in this white cold place... how i wished it was just a dream... but, the reality was there mocking at me.. i feel so empty... i knew i've lost something that i wanted to treasure so much.... there's nothing i can do to get it back anymore... for half an hour, i just lied on the cold cold bed, crying and crying... it really hurts... i looked out of the windows, the sun was shining ever brightly, the cars were buzzing by.. nothing have change.. the world is still going on as if i'm non-existent... life still goes on.. but to me, life will never be the same again... 19.09.2004 this will be a day i'll never forget... i'll never forget how much pain i've gone through today.. i'll try to be strong... but pardon me if i fail...

*This fairy tale ended at 4:23 PM*

Monday, September 06, 2004

.:: D.e.s.t.i.n.y ::.

爱可以让人快乐让人幸福，为平平无奇的生活增添了不少乐趣；

Two and a half years ago, i thought that ''LOVE'' is a very beautiful, pure and sacred thing... i thought that every love story will have a 'happily ever after' ending... Two and a half years ago, i was just an innocent little girl who loves reading fairy tales.. my favorite fairy tale would be 'beauty and the beast'.. i used to think that love is such a wonderful thing.. i'm constantly dreaming, fantasizing about when and how i would meet my dear prince charming.. i was so curious about how "lOvE" will feel like.. i kept searching for love.. but couldn't find the right one.. until.... "love" found me...

I believed in 'love at first sight', but i never thought it would happen on me... he and i was in the same school for 4 years.. but i only came to know about his existance during the last half year in our school.. after knowing him.. i always wondered:"why didnt our path crossed during the first 3 and half years..?" maybe all things are predestined.. fate had planned our beginning.. the thing about him that caused me to fall in love at first sight would be his eyes ba.. when i first saw him, his bright, beautiful eyes caught my attention.. that was the "beginning" that fate had planned for me and him.. This was my first "lOvE" lesson.. i finally learnt how does loving someone feel like.. :

i cant stop thinking about him
i love to gaze into his eyes
no many how many people are around me, my attention is only on him
i wanna be with him 24/7
when he's sad or hurt, my heart will hurt too
my heart is shattered when he dont love me
i feel happy when i see him smile
i want him to be in my life forever

it's like his every movements and actions and words will affect me... throughtout my whole life, the happiest time i had was when i'm with him.. i love to be in him embrace and hold on to him forever and forever.. i thought we could have a 'happily ever after' ending.. however, unfortunately, the ending that i want wasnt the ending the fate had planned for me...

爱还可以让人疯狂让人伤痛，一颗脆弱的心能够承受得了多少哀伤？

I thought fate had found the one for me.. is fate playing a cruel joke on me..? for the past 2 years, i had the most wonderful and happiest time in my life.. BUT, why must my happiness come to an end??? WHY? this was also when i had my first lesson about "HURT".. :

when i think of our past, i cant stop crying
i keep wanting to go back to the past
my heart cant stop hurting when i think of him with other gals
my heart cant stop hurting when i think of the fact that he is no longer mine
i keep crying and crying
when i checked my hp and see no msg-es from him, my heart hurts
it hurts when i know he'll never say "i love you" to me
it hurts when he no longer hold my hands, kiss me and hold me in his embrace

I dunno whether fate is good or cruel to me for letting know you..???

Right now, i know i'm just your past.. i'm just a passer-by in your life only... maybe you did love me before.. but sadly, the love that you had for me is already gone le... sad to say.. you will never love me, teng me, care for me as much as before le.. even if you still care for me, i think i'm just a burden to you.. i'm just a responsibility that you have to carry... you will nv be as passionate about me as before le... you will never say 'i love you' to me anymore.. cuz i'm just your past...

whenever i think of you all doing the things we used to do, my heart really hurts... maybe you will hold her hands like you held mine, maybe you will hug her like you used to hug me, maybe you will watch stars under the sky with her, maybe you will play bball and do the things we used to do with her.. 哭了很久很久，哭的很痛很痛..

Why must fate play such a cruel joke on me...??? 可能这就是命运，注定的，怎么躲，都躲不掉。

*This fairy tale ended at 1:30 AM*

Saturday, September 04, 2004

如果相遇是一种错，我能计较吗？

很想让自己重重地生一场大病，最好连记忆也忘掉。

从你我相遇的那一刻起，让它成为一片空白，没有回忆，没有眼泪，也没有心痛。如果再给我一次机会，我宁愿从来都没有认识过你。因为爱，所以放弃。我爱，但我不能，而你，也不能。
我知道，在你心里我并非毫无地位，我也知道，在以后的日子里你不会也不能那么轻易地将我抹去。虽然我只是你天空里偶尔飞过的一只小鸟，但也确确实实地在它飞走的瞬间，将一种名叫“情”的东西种在了你的心上。如果你也曾在意，就一定能够感受得到。否则，就当我只是一个过客罢了。

和你相处了那么久，有快乐但也有难过的时候。当你冷漠的语言刺痛骨髓，无论是故意还是无心，怎么说对我都是一种伤害；当你激动地向我诉说着关于你和她的故事，
很可笑，我竟然有些妒忌，一切只因那里没有我的名字；当你似真非真的告诉我，其实你也在乎这份感情，忽然觉得面前的你变得好陌生好陌生。如果在以前，你就一定一定不会对我说这样的话。我想，你大概也是在哄我吧。

其实人真的很奇怪，为什么要有感情的负累，为什么那个人会是你？也许我真的完完全全地把你当成了他--过去的你，这也是为什么我一听他的名字就满含泪水的原因。别取笑我，好吗？

我很好，真的。请放心。回想过去，我没有后悔那一段经历，虽然很痛，但我已学会保护自己。既然不能去爱，就把这份情留在心底。请你也为我好好保重自己，真心希望你能快乐，永远的快乐。

“...一路从泥泞走到了美景，习惯在彼此眼中找勇气，累到无力总会想吻你，才能忘了情路艰辛，你我约定...”

*This fairy tale ended at 7:59 AM*

Thursday, September 02, 2004

mEmoRieS..

It's so hard to give up something that you treaure so much.. i really wanted to treasure him.. but there's no chance anymore, cuz he's not mine le.. it's still so hard to remember that he no longer mine..

i really cant bear to let go of our precious memories.. "still remember those times in secondary school.. we'd always 'coincidentally' met each other at the school entrance, then we would walked up to our classrooms together.. during breaks, i would always see you at the water cooler refilling your water bottle.. during exams, we would study together.. we usually goes 'lao di fang' in woodlands to study.. there was once when we went changi airport to study, then we went for a walk at changi airport.. do you still remember the fountain there?? you taught me how to skip stones and that was when you first touch my hands.. so many memories at Bishan Park too.. you would accompany me when i was blading there..when i lost my balance, you would hold me.." i miss those pure, sweet times so much..
"there was once we play with candles in bishan park at night.. it was so beautiful.. we had so many late night walks there.. when i'm tired, you would let me lie on your thigh and rest, or let me lean on your shoulders.. Bishan Park is also the place where you first held my hand and kissed me.." i really miss those times we spent together in the past...
though we will be loitering all over singapore aimlessly, all that matter is that you are by my side.. whenever i need you, you will always be with me... you made so many promises to me... to love me and take care of me forever.. at that point of time, i really trusted you with everything i have... but.. never did i expect your feeling for me will come to an end.. never did i expect you will fall in love with someone else..

*This fairy tale ended at 6:51 AM*