* The Fairytale of Pandagirl *

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

19.09.2004 = a nightmare

The early morning wind was blowing softly... the sky was getting darker and darker as i get nearer and nearer to my nightmare.. the sky was drizzling... "is it crying for me?" tears rolled down my cheeks while i was in the cab, on my way to face the most horrible and cruel nightmare awaiting for me..
i stepped out of the cab and drag myself into the hospital.. the place was so white... it looks so pure and sacred... but why does it feels so cold... why am i shivering so much... while i deal with the administration stuffs, the nurse who's helping me kept glancing over at me with that sympathetic look... it seems as if she's expecting me to cry any moment... i really feel like crying, my heart is hurting so much.. I DUN WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS!! but.. do i have a choice? i had to bear very hard... had to try so hard to stop myself from crying... i told myself i have to be brave... "weifang.. you gotta buck up.. you cant hide forever..it's time to face the truth.. face it... you're alone one... he's not going to "pop out" of nowhere and stop you from going through this operation... he's no longer the 'he' in the past who'll let you cry in his shoulder.. you gotta face the reality...." i really tried very hard, but i just cant control myself... i started to weep and cry in front of the nurse.. i cried on the nurse's shoulders while she kept comforting me... she kept telling me things will be alright but i know things will never be alright...
in the end i still gotta go through this ordeal.. i went to change into the robe that the nurse gave me.. wearing nothing inside the robe... i feel so cold.. my hands were so cold... i cant stop shivering... then i was wheeled into this operation room with lots of machines everywhere... the room feels so lifeless... i lied on the cold bed... and my legs where being tied up... i saw the nurse caming towards me to give me an injection... i saw the needle sank into my blood vessel.. "i knew everything was over"...
i woke up to find myself still in this white cold place... how i wished it was just a dream... but, the reality was there mocking at me.. i feel so empty... i knew i've lost something that i wanted to treasure so much.... there's nothing i can do to get it back anymore... for half an hour, i just lied on the cold cold bed, crying and crying... it really hurts... i looked out of the windows, the sun was shining ever brightly, the cars were buzzing by.. nothing have change.. the world is still going on as if i'm non-existent... life still goes on.. but to me, life will never be the same again... 19.09.2004 this will be a day i'll never forget... i'll never forget how much pain i've gone through today.. i'll try to be strong... but pardon me if i fail...

*This fairy tale ended at 4:23 PM*